It seems last night I started a train of journal-ing (now a verb) about my (nonexistent) love life, and now I just can't help but write about it. Whether from amusement at myself (another red flag?) or maybe I've just re-grasped the thirteen-year-old idea of what journals are really used for... introspective and social commentary? No! I must write about all of my crushes, yearnings, and disappointments. Thank God I can skip the embarrassing poems and professions of undying love (I mean, he was the smartest guy in our whole grade... how dreamy is that?!).
On a whim, I googled the phrase, "cures for being single". One of the first entries said something along the lines of "being single is not a disease" ...skip. Everyone knows that being single is a disease- it's just invisible to everyone but single males. One of the main symptoms is the smell of desperation...
The second entry looked a little more helpful- this one is a "how to" with very helpful advice on how to cure "Post-holiday loneliness". Oh god, did I really google that?? There's no going back now- on to the 12 steps (oh wait, that's a different anonymous program... eh, same dif)
I'll summarize:
#1. Get out and Socialize! being single does not mean being lonely!
Really? you mean the man of my dreams won't just knock on my door and fall in love with me because of my surprisingly witty remarks rather than my slightly tousled, but attractive saggy-butt sweatpants and over sized tie-dyed t-shirt? Chick lit LIES.
#2. Join a Sporting Club.
No.
#3. Learn something New! Another way to cure boredom (loneliness) is to fill your head.
Alright...in my specific case, I take courses and am actively engaged in learning something new everyday- with other people. I'm not sure though, that taking up a musical instrument or studying zen Buddhism (both article suggestions) is going to help me cure my loneliness (or my being single).
#4. Count Your Blessings. Loneliness can descend into self pity.
Ok- so I feel better... momentarily- maybe they're on to something with this one; though if I'm self-pitying enough to be lonely in the first place, I'm probably going to be set on feeling lonely again in a couple of minutes. Thinking of blessings doesn't necessarily replace people.
#5. Do Something for someone else. You might realize after counting your blessings that you want to help someone else. Go spread the Gospel to all those ignorant of it.
Ok, so that last part was mine. Doing things for others is great- I'm in no way saying you shouldn't. But if the whole reason you became "lonely after the holidays" was because you were around a bunch of couples- the only way to really heal that ache in your heart where your soul mate should be, is to get out there and make some more mistakes. Kiss some more frogs... because at least you won't be "single" in the process.
So here's my list of ways to cure your single/lonely status:
#1. Lower your standards. if you finally say yes to that creepy guy with the slightly bulging eyes that keeps on calling you "my Lady" BAM! Objective accomplished- you are no longer single. I mean, he only smells a little right?
#2. Dress Like a Slut. While not completely conducive to getting a boyfriend per se, this will attract the kind of attention that may cure you of your loneliness.
#3. Be Easy. It seems to work for some girls. I mean, they always seem to have boyfriends... oh sure, they always leave after actually getting to know said girls... but they are never single long!
#4. Just ask him out. And him. And him. And Him... Oh wait, not Him... If at first you don't succeed, right? Perseverance is key. and many other inspirational sayings that might be slightly out of place under this topic. Same concept. But hell, one of them has to say yes...
I mean, to be completely brutally honest- the only cure for being single is to get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). And when you're going through the kind of drought I am, well you pray you've got water storage like a camel and a hell of a lot of blessings to count.Alright everyone: Go forth and multiply. because I sure as hell won't be and someone's got to further the species.
N.B. ::::::::::::::::::::::
to any readers other than the ones who know I'm joking: Please do not take my list at face value- it is simply mocking those who would try to give us single people advice- if they're not single, then they can't possibly understand -- and if they are single, then clearly the advice is sub-par. My cynical advice being exhibit A. Please do not go out on my account: a) dressed like a slut b) just to sleep around c) get a reputation I'd feel really bad... and would also like pictures :-D
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